Diet

So I thought of a great new diet. It's called the Patented Pants diet and it requires very little from the dieter. All you need to do is go to the store once a month and buy pants. Not just any pants, bigger pants. The idea here is that you purchase successively bigger pairs of pants and stand inside them like on TV. You hold the pants out with one hand and make the "Omigod, I can't believe I lost all this weight" motion with the other hand. That's it.

After a while you should be able to get another whole person in there and then you can tell your friends, "look, it's like I lost a whole person." Now, this isn't gonna help you come swim season but it's still a damned good idea. Hmmm, maybe you could buy big swimsuits to hold out. No. No that's no good. Stick with the pants and bring them to the beach. Maybe you can make that work. And if someone's not havin' it, just choke 'em out with the pants.